DISGRAAaaaCE ~ No DEAL!!! 💼 ❤️ 🔕 😇 👐
Deep Breath….. As This Begins ~~~ ❤️
There are SO MANY times, that stretching is REQUIRED in LIFE. And, IT stretches US, to GO deeper In God. Now, For Me personally, THAT is not as EASy as it would SEEM. At first, GOING there is WONDERFUL!!! It is full of, beautiful AROMAs, and LOVE and PEACE. No, wait THAT is Backwards. Because, my FRIENDS… it is NOT, what HAPPENED to ME. I am SHARING today, something, that I could NOT IMAGINE, putting ON This PAGE. But, I literally AHVE to do it. I HAVE to, do it. Yes, it is a REQUIREMENT, in the Healing process. That is so TRUE. But, it has been GRACE to keep it HELD back, for THIS LONG. Grace, in regards to SOOOOOOOOO Many LIVES. And, it is simply, TIME, HIS TIME to SPEAK. ~~~
May THIS be COVERED in LOVE ❤️ His
❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ 💐🌸💮🏵🌹🌳🌲🌱🌷🌼🌻🌺🐛🐌🐜🐝🐞🌹🏵🌲🌳🌱🏵💮🌸🌷🌼💐🌻🌺
UNLIKE, most ENTRIES…where I site MUSIC that is given to ENCOURAGE. It is in background, today. I can BARELY hear the words. TALK about WAY out of my COMFORT ZONE. Yet, my AMAZING blanket of comfort, is HERE with ME. Love❤️ He NEVER leaves my 💞 HEART . ~~~
So, BEAR with ME, as I RECALL and begin to SHARE, the MANY ways of temporary ….TORN APART and ASUNDER. I will SHARE LOTS of the TWISTS and the TURNS. It will SEEM, like a movie script. Somedays, I so WANT a different ROLE. I look Up, crying, ” I DID NOT, SIGN UP 4 THIS!” But God. He is faithful Still. Tears. Laying down the FEARS. Grace Grace. Laying down the MANY Betrays. Grace Grace.
From a VERY early Age, I was Molested. It does NOT matter who it was. Because, I blame them NOT. My prayer, has been FOR a long time, for HEALING for them, and anyone afffected, by THAT choice, in that LIFE. Forgiveness, is ESSENTIAL, just for SURVIVAL. This, I must, EMPHASIZE. ~
Yet, sometimes, when THINGS are done, towards US, I look UP and just say…. “I can’t.” Not…I can’t forgive. JUst, a please and a cry to JESUS, that it MUST be HE, that does it, EVEN through ME. Because, EVEN if I am Equipped, I’m just NOT able to FEEL it yet. I pray that makes sense. ~~~ Sometimes , THE pain just CUTS so DEEP . Only He can protect, ONE from bleeding OUT. His ❤️ Love, a guard 💂 in and of itself. ~
I have been so BEATEN with WORDS. Even THAT word, (molested) has SO MUCH in it. If you break it down, it says MOL – like a MOLE ( someone who is captive or a spy ) Less – Oh MY, DID I feel LESS THAN, for a LONG time. Here i am 42, next ➡️ month. That, less than, in the equation, STILL… Takes JESUS, 2 stop. ⛔ And the last part is interesting, because there is SOMETHING called TED talks, ( referring to molested) and they are ALL about knowledge of GOOD and Evil. Essesntially, they are a place to TALK about the world, and ideas in it.
There have been some fascinating TALKS. Even today, By God’s Grace, one of my FAVORITE talk shows, is “THE TALK.” God has brought REDEMPTION, JOY even, in this place, and with THESE amazing gifts, and tools, mentioned above. He still IS, every SINGLE day, in SOME way. WE pray for the people and their families. Because, EVERYONE deserves Jesus’s LOVE. ~ ❤️
HURTING people, HURT people. That is a FACT. It sounds cliche. But, IT is TRUTH. Most people, unless completely given OVER 2 Evil, do NOT mean to. And when I had THIS TRAUMA happen, in MY LIFE. It began, to CREATE so MUCH STRIFE. And I was speaking to someone yesterday, on THIS. They said, ” But you were so little.” Tears. That is soooooooooooooo TRUE.
Yet, for SO LONG, I believed it WAS my FAULT. And, that does NOT make SENSE, at ALL. But, it is TRUE. I suspect, OTHERS in my BLOODLINE biological….encountered similar monsters. Perhaps, EVEN the same. Yet, NONE will speak, of these THINGS. And, I wanted to TALK, I wanted to be FREE of THIS. Even as a CHILD. TEARS….. THIS is so HARD.
JESUS protected MY Sarah butterfly ANGEL, SO MANY times….FROM this HORRID danger. She saw the Monster, but it NEVER attached. In fact, because of THAT ,at a conference once, Jesus used her, to heal, a child, her age. ❤️ I am So beyond WORDS Grateful, she NEVER experienced IT, LIKE ME. That HE USED her, to REWRITE History.
In SO MANY WAYs, that is TRUE. But, was it an EASY thing for HER to Do? No!!!!! I marvelled EVERY single DAY, at JESUS in her. I would say, ” I WANT that.” Never from a place of jealous of OVERZEALOUS. At least, not with that intention or purpose. Jesus 4give, if it WAS ever present. Thank HEAVEn’s you ALWAYS SEE and KNOW MY heart. Love❤️ He LOOKS upon our Hearts, beloved ONES. I would WATCH her interaction with GOD. I would SEE HIM fill her UP! The DEPTH of LOVE and FAITH within, and what SHE went without…JUST AMAZED ME. Tears. IT STILL does, EVENTHOUGH VERY different NOW. ~~~~~~ 💔 ❤️
This RIVER of TEARS…I often WONDER, will it EVER run DRY. Yet, HIS LOVE is HERE, with EVERY TEAR I cry. As Katy, I just hated myself. I JUST wanted to be ME. And, yet EVERYWHERE I looked there seemed no lasting treasure. I was SEARCHING for Jesus, even then. I tried to relate to others. But, this THING that happened, caused DARKNEss to CREEP in, and around. And, it was NOT just ONE thing, or that one moment…IT was LOTS of little moments, that added UP to, this seemingly EVIL equation. The opposite, of EVIL, is LIVE. And, I just could NOT. No matter how I tried. Something was trying, to TAKE my LIFE. And I did NOT know why. And when I asked, I was told, ” You are TOO YOUNG to understand.” To be REALLY raw, That made me MAD. I mean, REALLy MAD!!!!! 😡 I was not EVEN given a chance to TRY. 😭
My Parents, biological, God bless them. Now, in HEAVEn, are THEY…and I am so GLAD. They are SAFE there, and LOVE love❤️ REMAINs, STEADFAST. But, they began giving me THINGS. Perhaps, it was to distract ME. And, I got one thing, then 2, then 3, then 4. Then….next THING you know it, I APPEAR to have EVERYTHING I want. And, guess what…THOSe things…did NOTHING for me longterm. #temporaryjoy.
I remember trying to share them, with others, but yeah…that did not always work. Because, when others are jealous, of things, and wrapped in HURT, they do NOT want what YOU have. And they did NOT. It seemed NO one wanted me. My Mother loved me, YET she would get SO ANGRY. I mean, her ANGER would TERRIFY ME….And I, did not understand THEN, the DEPTH of THAT. Grace. But GOD.
Somehow, with Momma, HE always brought forgiveness. And, SHE fought for me, and my brothers too. She did the BEST she could, with what she knew. THEY both did. WE ALL did. ~~~ ❤️
People COME into our LIVES, for REASONs….SEASONS…LIFETIMES. Yet, it FEELs…like SO few…STAY for the LIFETIME. Sarah so DESIRED brothers and sisters. SO, we fostered for a bit. It was in some ways, a BEAUTIFUL thing. In others, it was something, we had to ALWAYS take to the CROSS>>> . In the end, it FELT like, we LOST a battle. Yet, WE have such COMFORT, in KNOWING Jesus wins… 🏆 And, has WON the WAR. We are NOT holding onto offenses. WE ARE , by HIS Grace…on purpose ASKING HIM, to help US continually FORGIVE each accusation, curse, and just YUCK. Some, of it, ended up in print. And, WE are grateful that HE handled it. Because WE are natural detectives. And, WE wanted to FIX it. But, we kept saying, have YOUR way, and HE kept the BAD at BAY. He still does, NO MATTER how it MAY seem. He is the AUTHOUR of our dreams. ❤️
Our prayer has ALWAYS been, that injustices, that SEEMED to happen towards US, be redeemed, for the SAKE of Jesus. And, that THIS Redemption, MULTIPLY to the BODy of CHRIST. Because, so MANY are hurting. JESUS is in ANGUISH for and WITH the broken. He hurts, when the wounded, pick up weapons, and use them AGAINST each other. His heart breaks, and aches, because He knows, there IS a better way. The faint sound. ” Be BORN in ME” Tears. The LAST song WE sang together. TEARS. Oh, this STORM to weather. My LOVE, by ❤️ Jesus LOVE, said to me recent, ” I miss the sun.” He was talking about this season, how much RAIN we have gotten. Me, I am saying, the RAIn is GOOD. It is so DESPERATELY needed. But HE, was sharing feeling different. David and I, in some WAYS, different as NIGHT and DAY. Yet one thing those 2 have in COMMON. JESUS. ~ ❤️
I had a DEAR sis, say …. ” YOU think YOU GUYS, are THAT different. I don’t SEE it.” I had to take that to GOD. Because, I thought…Maybe I am missing something. And then, I remembered THIS…DIFFERENT but SAME. WE have BOTH had DISGRACE.
I think, one of the fun memories, as a kid is with my granny. She LOVED game shows. 🙂 I cannot remember, if “Deal or NO DEAL” was on then. But, perhaps something like it WAS. I know she LOVED Jeopardy, and WHEEL of Fortune. I sometimes, would WATCH. Othertimes, I would crawl on her bed, or the bed in the other room, and go to sleep. Sleep was where God helped me. It was my ESCAPE. In some ways, a safe place. I slept A LOT. Yet, I was always tired. ( Did not know officially, about spirit WAR then)
I remember as a KID, my MOM called me katydid, like the bug. I NEVER liked that nickname. I did NOT think of it, or SEE it as endearing. I much prefered, when she called me other things. For some REASON, and I think it goes back to that experience, I associated, the NAME KATY with blame. I would always defend, saying…”It is NOT My fault.” Many would LIE and say it WAS. Sometimes, i did things wrong too. But, I would ALWAYS confess. Because, I was NOT then, nor NOW am I great with BAD secrets. I’m not saying I cannot be trusted. By God’s GRACE alone, I CAN. The secrets, I could not KEEP were my own. Now, OTHERS…they told ME everything. MANY still confide in me. By God’s Grace, I am honored, for the confidence, of Jesus in ME most. Lord knows, the wisdom GIVEN, is NOT my own. Even MY desire to HELP others BE FREE, comes from HE. ~~~~ His LOVE . ❤️ ❤️ ❤️
I went through MUCH depression…FROM a VERY early age. Age 8, first counselor I saw. It did not last long. I just remember, a female. Maybe, a friend of my parents, THEN. That was AFTER the TOUNGE cutting incident. (age 7.5) People said, I made a covenant with Death. But, I did NOT. Because, JESUS took DEATH and conquered it ON the CROSS. The NEXT time, I saw a doctor for THAT, was age 14 1/2. I was dating someone then. And, it was NOT exactly going well. From my first KISS with a boy, it was just utter Hell. And, I kept searching for HEAVEN. I looked in the church. Grace the cornerstone there, literal. In the building, it LIES. I did not KNOW, why I felt disconnected, from MY KING. Sadness just hit me, EVERYDAY. I longed for help, and a path I could know.
And the counselors and doctors, just gave me PILLS. They LOOKED at me, and saw symptoms, THEN. I tried, to say, these pills, are not helping, as you SAY. But, you SEE they kept me quieter, calmer, and for those around me, I APPEARED all BETTER. But, I was so FAR from IT. Deeper and DEEPER, I would FALL, into the RABBIT HOLE. This PIT of DESPAIR and DESTRUCTION. PAIN that I just COULD NOT EXPLAIN. TORMENT, TORTURE and no other word, at that time, but SHEOL. Some say HELL. It was HORRIBLE. People who KNEW me then….and KNOW me now… still are in SHOCK at the miracles. I stand in AWE and shock and WONDER TOO! Because, so MANY nights, I CRIED…SHRIEKED, was BEATEN with CHAINs, and occasionally things would show up in DREAMS. I did not know, you could have visions, then. But, I am sure, I did. Some, brought on by medication. But, what was MEANT to HARM me, my GOD used for MY GOOD. GREAT GRACE!!!!! ❤️
It was that SAME age…14 1/2, i picked up the same color razor, and began to CUT again. I had NO idea, WHAT that would do. I just heard a voice, saying, “THIS will help you.” It was a LIE. Of course it was. It appeared to HELP, but ONLY brought MORE destruct. AND, it became ANOTHER addiction. FOR 10 YEARS, I CUT. It would be YEARS later, that I would see JESUS, by my bedside. HE was CRYING, TEARS of BLOOD. For ME…and for YOU. WE MATTER THAT MUCH! THE CHILDREN MATTER to the KINGDOM of HEAVEN!!!!!
NOW, I know, that there was intercession happening, back then. I prayed for many. I would PRAY for friends, family, strangers. I had NO IDEA, what that MEANT. I would just say, Lord help them. People at the CHURCH, would say get in the WORD. I tried too. Oh MAN, did I try. Every single time, I opened, my BIBLE and read a verse, it was like a BOMB went OFF. BAD things, started happening. And, I was like…WAIT this is supposed to HELP ME. But, it was NOT a comfort, it was NOT a refuge. it was NOT a place of strength or HOPE. NOPE. It was a place or PRISON and just TORMENT for me…THEN. It was not, a friend. ANd, I did NOT understand. I said, I was sorry, I tried to stop. But no matter what, this cycle, SEEMED to keep SPINNING. And, yeah it sure LOOKED like the enemies WERE winning.
And the WORST part, was EVERYONE around ME, thought MY LIFE was FREAKING perfect. In the MOVIE Titanic, the main CHARACTER, “ROSE” says a very specific LINE. She says, “All the while I’m standing in the middle of the ROOM, and NO one EVEN looks UP.” I will NEVER forget that film, I have lived so MUCH of it. AND, I will never forget the day, I saw it, and each person, that was there.
#specialmemoriesnoteasytorecall
Love is what HAS to come FIRST. LOVE. Love❤️ ABOVE ALL. I know that NOW. Then, oh I was a mESSED up kid. And LIFE just got MESSIER every SINGLE day. Yet God would bring HIS Grace. And somehow, TIME would KEEP passing. Cleanups, would happen here and there. I sat in MANY different doctors offices over the years. By God’s GRACE, prayers for ALL those families. Half the time, it was tough, to stay awake. The BOOK knowledge, they tried to FEED ME, was a LOT. Just like the TED talks. Man, I was a sponge too. It would cause me to want to READ. I was a voracious reader, back then. Slowly, I am starting to READ again. My Sarah Butterfly angel baby, going into Grace 3, had grade 8 skills to READ. She had just WON a trophy, right before she went HOME. Oh so MUCH to that….
Sometimes, SLEEP is a luxury, I cannot AFFORD. But, REST I will take EVERYTIME. Because, in the REST, we RESIST EVIL STAND THANKFUL. and there is a RESET. ~~~~ THERE is PEACE RESTORED THERE. HEALING in HIS WINGS. NO Rules, and Regulations. Just HIS LOVE. It is the ONE place, that is JUST beauty, GRACE, and Mercy. There were MANY awards, I won as a child. I would get SO excited, and come home to share…. yet NO ONE seemed to care much about the JOY. I was not wanting to be prideful, or make things about ME. That has NEVER been, nor will EVER be my heart. Yet, LIES were spread then and NOW to the contrary. THAT tears JESUS apart. For THAT matter, when THAT happens to ANY of His children, it TEARS at HIS heart. His LOVE. 💗
I have to DAILY forgive MYSELF too. I have made some AWFUL choices. Yet, because of God’s GRACE, I can take the DEAL of HIS LOVE, and say NO DEAL!!!! to DISGRACE. For, I’d rather have GRACE. Wouldn’t YOU? I HAVE to forgive GOD too. Not because He is EVER wrong. But, because HIS will and PLAN, is OFTEN so HARD on MY HEART. I forgive Sarah, because she asked me to. She knew, it would be needed. I FORGIVE anyone ELSE involved too. It has been almost 5 years. Yet, THIS PAIN, WOW. I rarely speak on, HOW much it physically HURTS, at times. I dare NOT complain. Grace Grace. But, it came to me, just this EARLY hour. ~~~~ Apostle PAUL. “I will BOAST of MY weaknesses” He goes onto say…” For the GLORY of GOD” ❤️
WE USED to be… BOUND by religion. But people came IN and LOVED on Me, and US. It happened to me first. Henrietta. Angel 😇 Now, WE GET to do that too. We can LOVE ❤️. It is an HONOR, and a privilidge. It is NOT a HAVE to. I mean, it is, a have to, but in a WAY of tribute. Not prison. This gift, WE do NOT take LIGHTLY. For, it is a TREASURE. His LOVE cannot be MEASURED. LOVE. JESUS. PEACE. Hope. ARRIVES. ~~~~ in ALL THINGS…and PLANS. ~
❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️
I will CLOSE this ENTRY by saying, I do my BEST… as does my David LOVE to get — OUT of the WAy so GOD can BRING HIS LOVE through. May HIS LOVE love❤️ conquer, for YOU. It conquers, HERE daily. WE are LIVING proof!!!! By HIS Grace, if YOU have chosen HIS Love, YOU are 2. ~~~ May the LORD bless you and KEEP you, THIS DAY, and HEAL your brokenhearts, in HIS ways. May His countenance SHINE on your hOMes, and FAMILIES, and bring, what you NEED forth. Jesus, WE give you our repentant hearts. Heavenly Father thank you for being our JUDGE, and bringing RIGHTEOUSNESS forth, as promised. The Giants in THIS land will FALL, by YOUR GRACE. Holy Spirit, thank you for your NURTURING, wind, and rain. There is HEALING, and JOY in the midst of the grieving and pain. WE LOVE you, and praise YOU, in Jesus name. By His blood, AMEN. ~~~
In Better HANds are WE… by HIS Grace. ~~~~
His Warrior Child ~
E
That was then. This is NOW. ~~~~ HOLY COW ~~~ as that phrase goes…. Because WOW. I often look up, saying…” WHat happens NOW, or NEXT?” SOmetimes, I do NOT Get an answer, that day. Because, GOD is merciful. Oh, so thankful, HIS ways, are not OUR ways, or the HIGHWAYS we would naturally take.