A Broken Rainbow
I was going to write a post today, about a letter to my Father. But, I turned on the computer, and saw a picture. It had a broken rainbow, with lightening cutting through it. It also had a butterfly angel, above it all. I could not help, but think, “This is my life.” So, redirected, this became.
I knew this month, the post, with this tile would come to be. I remember last month, when the name, was given. When I think about a rainbow, I consider it the most beautiful symbol in all of creation. But you know what else, I have noticed? It fades. It is not something that stays, in the natural, forever.
To the naked eye, a rainbow appears, and disappears. I was always mindful of certain sayings, as a child. Remember this one; “Into each like, a little rain must fall?” Or how bout, “It rains on the just and the unjust?” Someone told me to grow up recently. This individual, or what influenced the person, told me that I was stuck as a child.
I don’t know whether that statement is true. But, what I do know, is right now, on this day, and in this time on earth, I am a broken rainbow. I’m not sure when it started. Honestly, I’m not sure that matters. Nor does, who was involved, to bring me to this place. The place where, because few understand, it is easier to just label me.
You see, when something happens to me now, I wonder. I think, did this happen to Jesus? Some say, He never experienced everything that we do. But, you know what I ponder? If He still is, through us. In life, there have been so many times, that I was called to isolation. Not, called to ignore everyone. But, to sit at the cross.
I was reflecting today. I do that, especially when I am in a tender place. Do you do that? Look back at life, and take stock? There was a time, just recently, where I said to God, “I gave you everything. You have a lot of making up to do.” Let me be clear, I am not trying to tell God what to do. I know, that I probably don’t deserve the restoration. Especially, if you were to ask those, who directly got hurt involving me. They would yell, “crucify.” Many of them do, every day.
But, you know what I have noticed? Even when this happens, and the more it does, and I hurt or lash back; the more Heaven comes. Another saying I heard as a child, “Everything happens for a reason.” Though a true statement, it does not discuss, that the reason is to break us.
To my mother and earthly father, I thank them. I know, there have been days, I wanted never to be born. Particularly days, where the pain, was so intense, that I could barely breath, and I wanted an ending. I did not even care if it was happy. I just wanted one.
Behind closed doors, resides many broken rainbows. Not just the obviously broken, like homeless or beaten. But, the ones who have given ALL, just to fall again. I was watching the movie previously mentioned. There is a part, where the son says, “This is the day you killed your son.” He says this to his earthly dad. I thought about a parallel in my life. I remember the day, where one of my parents, said my name and told me, I needed a lot of love. A part of me died that day.
I was a teenager, and I felt like I was doomed. The way it was said, made me feel like I was too much trouble to love. That, no one, no matter what it looked like, would ever truly love me. Also, that this person, who was supposed to LOVE me, unconditionally, could not do it. I’m not sure I have ever fully recovered, from it.
I became determined, that I was gonna find me some LOVE. If my parents could not give it, I was going to find it somewhere. So, I started looking for it. But, little did I know, what would come. I remember at 17, I gave up the most precious part of me. I did so willing, and because I was afraid. People had talked to me about waiting for marriage. But, I so desperately, wanted to be loved. I confused LOVE, with physical intimacy.
Time, after time, I would believe, to be loved, I had to be physically intimate. But, then I would feel so awful later. Even when I got married, and it was okay to be that way, to make love; it was not real. I have talked about my marriage before. But, suffice it to say, some of the most broken people, were able to LOVE the most. Meaning, JESUS moved through them, even though he did not dwell there.
I don’t remember the name of everyone I was intimate with. All old soul ties, have been broken away from them all. I hope and pray that each of them, has or will have, a beautiful life. I never knew that I was prostituting, myself for love. These I was with, these guys, they loved me, most of them. But, just like I was told, “I needed a lot of love.” No one could fulfill it.
To this day, no one can. No one, but Jesus. He is the promise. He in the unbroken rainbow. Because, His Love, is what brings the colors, and causes them to be, so bright. I read a post recently. It was a in a group on FB. It was very simple. It asked a question. “Have you seen Jesus?” So, I ask a similar question. Have you EVER seen or been a broken rainbow?
Have you, in your place, where ONLY you can go, and ONLY God can find you, noticed the hurting? I am pretty sure, everyone, will answer, yes. Even unbelievers will answer yes. I don’t always believe. I am going to be real about it. My faith gets VERY tested. There are times, I have screamed, or wept before God, asking Him, why I am hated. It is very tough, to always receive LOVE. Especially LOVE from GOD…
Why? Because, receiving the LOVE of God, requires A LOT. It is easier, to just reject it. But, I am also beginning to SEE, that even if I try to do that, I cannot. Can you? Is it easy for you to walk away, and reject the LOVE? Because, we are rejecting the RESTORED rainbow.
A dear sister told me recently, that a few prayers were finally answered. Some, had been kind of in utero, for over 20 years. I thought, “Sure, He answers your prayers. And, He answers mine, for others. But, I will not get happy. That is not in the cards for me. ” Now, some would say, “That is a lie. ” Maybe it is, and maybe not. I don’t think that is the point. Perhaps, the point is, that I was conditioned to truly believe this. So, I lived it.
In every area of my life, I would always wonder, “How long will this last?” Because, I just got a taste of the good. I don’t live in a fantasy world. I live in His world. And, doing so, is NOT always roses without thorns. But, it is what must be. Someday, I hope to truly 100% believe that the Good, does not have to go away. Until then, I’m here….waiting.
In His Grace,
Elea