Monthly Archives: February 2015

The Lord has been dealing with me on gratefulness for a while. People have never ever understood me. I’m not saying I haven’t had love. I am saying, that GOD is the only one meant to fully understand and get us. He is and has been teaching me how wonderful being thankful and grateful are. It is such a gift to look to HIM in thanks.

For years before Sarah Elizabeth left us, I would say something to her. I would say, “Always be grateful.” I would say it to her, because God had said it to me. She lived a life worthy of praise. Because JESUS thrived in this kid. Even though I would say this to her, I struggled and even battled ungratefulness.

I was not thankful of grateful. From the outside looking in, I had everything. I had a stable husband who loved me, a beautiful child, good friends, a nice vehicle, many houses, and so much more. Most important, I had and HAVE a God who deserves thanks. Yet, everyday I would wake up dreading the minutes, hours, and even seconds. I complained about everything. I did not mean to, and it was NOT on purpose. But, I could not receive the LIFE He was offering and had gifted me.

So, for years, I would seek God’s help. I would say, “Make me grateful for your glory. Thank you Lord.” I would smile through much pain, that was hidden yet not. I told someone just yesterday, “I am a horrible liar.” I always tell the truth. I once watched a movie about lying. It had a character who because of a child, had to tell the truth. THAT is what happened to me.

I had been preaching Jesus, and teaching HIM, while always wondering something. Do I really know HIM and does HE know me? When this precious child came into my life, our lives, I was forced to face myself. To face God in a new way became my daily chore. Oh, what a burden it was. But, OH what a blessing it became.

Even now, I am still healing. In fact, in some ways I would say THIS has been a catalyst for the TRUE healing to show up. WE are healing as a family. God knows exactly what that means. It really is hard to describe. Except to say now I breathe in JESUS. I could not do that before, for so many reasons.

The vision has changed, and the direction looks strange to me. But, as a precious angel said, “Strange things will be happening. But YOU have to let them happen. They may not look like God’s will, but they are. God has proven He can be trusted. He will do ALL He said He would do. It will be HIS time, His way. Stay surrendered, this is critical. He loves you.”

I will leave you with this. THANK you is the only thing I could muster when Sarah died. It had the biggest impact on me, of anything in my life. Because it was like everything rolled into one. Can you say thank you for the sunshine and the rain? Can you say thank you for the joy and the pain? There is freedom in thank you. It is a bounty for our KING.

In His Grace and Glory,

E and Fam

For days I have been pondering this question. Who is my worship? Is it FULLY in Christ? Because, if it is, then when I go through times that are set up to destroy, I will NOT be defeated. I believe in my life, MOST of my life was lived with mixed worship. In fact, at one time, I worshiped so many things and people, and really believed that it was of God. But, it was NOT. IT was simply the conditioning of mind that comes from the world.

http://www.openbible.info/topics/worship

There was a TIME in my life that I worshiped music. In fact, it was such a problem that God striped me of it for 15 years. I could not write, I did not sing much, except sometimes in church. I did not have a passion for it, like I once had. He really tested me in this time of my life. It really was NOT until Sarah Elizabeth was born, that my desire to connect to God through music came to life again.

As a dear sister gently pointed out, I was focused on a performance based life. Never could I do things for me, because I was trained and taught that was simply selfish. Yet, God sees us honoring HIM within, as we receive gifts for us. Meaning, there is a time to let GOD bless and heal you. If you do NOT do this, then you will be destroyed by giving your all to others, and sacrificing the needs you have.

I have always disliked the term self worth. In fact, for years because of psychological abuse, I really hated psychology. But, NOW that I have forgiven those involved, and even myself for what transpired in that time, I can see how GOd uses this and other sciences for deep healing purposes. I always try to be upfront. Sometimes, I can be a bit too real, raw and relational, but for better or worse, THAT is just how HE made me. I am learning to REST in His quietness, and that finally there is REAL safety and JOY that resides there too. I even forgave God. Remember He never makes mistakes or does anything wrong. Though, sometimes His choices are hard to process and can hurt. So, forgiveness ALL across the BOARD is necessary.

I am thankful to hear that people are being blessed by this site. I was told today that my outlook was refreshing. I am so humbled by the LOVE of God. It is often so tough to just REST for me. I mean, just to sit and let GOD LOVE on me. I spent A LOT of my life having performance drive me. I thank GOD also for my spouse. He looks out for me, and so do our kids. God uses them to encourage, love on me, and help me to see truths, even hard ones. I am so grateful. There is lots of healing taking place. There is restoration and wholeness that WE are seeing right before our eyes. Why? Because JESUS is our worship, NOW and forevermore.

In His Grace and Glory,

E and FAM