Free to be ME

Posted: 18. 10. 2015 | Author: Ellie Sharpe | Category: Inspirational

Today I was speaking with a dear sister of mine. I am so grateful for those who often don’t even know, they are angels in disguise. When talking to her, I was so touched by Heaven. Every time, God uses her to counsel me, and I’m set free, even more. I had no desire to write today. I mean less than none. i have always liked to write, when I am calm and completely at peace. But, God wants me to do this broken. So, here we go…

In order to make the point, He wants made, I need to give a bit of background. In some ways, this last week was one of the most challenging, of my life. Not for any reason, that is obvious to most. But, because God called me into HIM. Usually, when He does this, I have plenty of time to prepare. I am usually allowed to let those who are connected to me, know. But, THIS time, that did not happen. I was caught, pretty much off guard, when God did not just ask for time with me. Yes, He is a gentleman, but this was more like, and order from a Holy General.

It was more like, if I did not take the time with HIM, there would be dire consequences. So, I did. I obeyed Him, knowing I would likely be misunderstood, and it was a risk. But, I have learned, often the hard way, what happens when I disobey. Very few times, has God been so stern with me. In fact, the last time, I was in a hospital. But, that is another story. This time, it was like I was lost in time. I know it may be tough to grasp that.

You see, God is NOT a vending machine God. He is a loving Father, brother, and for me, like a mother. God is my family. He is the ONLY family I really ever let in. I grew up, looking like I was a spoiled brat. But, the TRUTH is, I just wanted acceptance. No one ever wanted to hear, what I had to share. People would pretend that they did. But, they really didn’t. I was a lot like Joseph.

My “family”, did not understand me. They put up with me, until my mom died. Then, my dad passed, 15 years later. My dad passed only 4 weeks, almost to the day, after my only child birthed. I haven’t talked much about how I felt. You see, as I kid, I was basically told not to feel. So, when my feelings got too intense, I went to a very bad outlet. It was like a drug. In fact, for 10 years, I would say I was a lot like an addict. I was addicted to causing myself harm. I did not realize that it was an addiction, until today. Truly, it was like this light bulb came on. All of the sudden I knew, I was addicted to that.

I grew up in a religulous environment. Yes, I mispelled that on purpose. It was not just religious. It was so much more than that. I was born into a family, of broken individuals. No one knew how to be free. Yes, we went to church, as a family. But, the same church telling us God loves us, would speak death over us too. It is like I was birthed into a curse. I tried to stay positive, and rely on God. But, it was like, He was this foreign being to me. I just could not plug in.

I made A LOT, I mean A LOT of very bad decisions and choices. I own it too. It really is a miracle, for me to still be breathing. It is a miracle, that God loves me, still. I dealt with and exhibited, abuse, and manipulation, and control. Because, I thought then, that was normal. To this world, it is normal. But, I don’t want to be of this world. I never did. Yes, I go through times, where I just want to be HOME. But, doesn’t everybody? Don’t WE ALL want to experience REAL LOVE? Isn’t it a desire that God gave all of us, to be what He wants?

I believe God wants us to be ALL that WE can be through HIM. But, our brokenness, can be a curse, when it is all we have known. You see, I was birthed into a family affected by many things. That is absolutely true. But, thank God, that by His divine Grace, the buck stops here. You know why? Because HE says so. He says so, and THAT is enough.

I was watching a film, that I have watched many times. In the film the woman is a writer, and a mom. She has young children. I have been there, and done that, and I am certain now, that I will do it again. But this time, it is going to be VERY different. This time, I realize that ALL God really wants from me is one thing. He wants the same thing from all of us. Any guesses???? He wants me to LOVE Him, and to allow HIM to LOVE me, in the amount that HE chooses.

The last part has been REALLY tough to swallow. In fact, it has been so tough to swallow, that it has almost killed me, literally. I know in my mind that God is sovereign. He is not just in control, He is OVER everything. This means, He does not and will not let anything take HIM away from us. NOT EVER! Now, THAT my friends and family, is GOOD NEWS. When tough things have happened to me, I have asked God one question? That question is, “Why can’t I just get over it?”

I finally have the answer? Because, I actually cannot do that. I never will be able to get over it. I admit, I am a bad mom. I am not a great wife. I’m not saying that to speak negative. It’s just, that these things are true, when I do them. The ONLY time, I am successful, is when God does it. He blesses. He LOVES without requiring me to change instantly. His GRACE really IS sufficient. THAT is a miracle. HIS LOVE is the miracle WE need.

We can get so trapped, by even the way the church views things, or our friends. But, HIS LOVE will reach us, if we accept it.. It is through HIS LOVE that you and me can BE FREE. There are many circumstances, that have just devastated me. It was not because, God was last place. It was because, I thought it was a different plan. It is so hard to understand, how you can do EVERYTHING He requires, and still it happens differently. Often, it happens in a way that CUTS us to the core.

But God. My favorite words, the last few years especially, have been 3 words. Not, I love you, or thank you God. My 3 words have been a plea. Jesus Just Breathe. I did not realize, until today how significant those words are. Do you know those three words, tell such a story. I would not be surprised, if the Heavenly Father said those words to Jesus. In a particular situation, and that is the crucifixion.

I have watched a crucifixion. Not in the same way that some have. Still, VERY real and VERY impactful. at one time, it was like I had PTSD. But the truth is, I had HTSD. That last one, stands for Heavenly Truth Stress Dismantling. I am so grateful for it, know that. Though, I would be lying, if I said it was easy to endure. Because, it has NOT been. There has been MUCH persecution. But, His LOVE has overcome. If I am an overcomer, it is for one reason alone. HE NEVER FAILS.

So, as my friend, and dear sister, spoke to me today. It is a NEW DAY, and a NEW TIME, and sometimes it will feel really uncomfortable. But, God says, “YOU are FREE to BE.” So, I tell you today, the 18th, which Biblically represents Bondage, that He is waiting to break you out. It is TIME. Choose His FREEDOM. He wants you to fly on HIS wings, in PURE JOY.

I LOVE YOU all. I don’t know who, if anyone is reading these words. But, I pray that even if no one does, they touch Heaven today. You are SO LOVED, and so AM I. Lord Jesus, I repent for anytime I have hurt someone you love. Not just that I LOVE. i repent for having expectations that have not been pleasing to you. I ask for you to COME and bring Heaven to this place. Because, I am READY NOW, to fully let you LOVE me.